For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
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6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Bond. Trauma bond.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.