@theshamingofjay: Let he who is without selfie cast the first stone
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@ShortWhiteNUgly: I make my children listen to people like Pink Floyd and Bob Marley so they learn the difference between Chris Brown and music.
@ehdannyboy: Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He's outside looking forlorn. Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it's there u prick
@DomesticGoddss: I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off--a skill I apparently didn't pass on to my boys.
@DrRocktopoid: My high-school wrestling coach called me "the little raccoon" 'cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.