Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
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*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
#NeverForget
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
#Caturday
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol