Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
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ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.