Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
You Might Also Like
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.