Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
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People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
They also CAN sing✌️
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.