Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
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You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
🌱🌱🌱
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!