Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
You Might Also Like
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My sex drive has a dui
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color