Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
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dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”