“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
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You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.