I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
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Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
WHO DID THIS?
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.