“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
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Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*