“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
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Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I only eat vegetarians.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.