let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
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One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
real
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today