My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
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*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
the official breakfast of 2021
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
A little too much information.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.