I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
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me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?