Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
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Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!