“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
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[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Where is your GOD now????
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar