“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
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I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It鈥檚 not Mother鈥檚 Day yet.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C鈥檓on…please? You鈥檙e her offspring…she鈥檚 less likely to harm you.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
DATE鈥橲 FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don鈥檛 think you underst-
ME: Launch馃憦pad馃憦Mc馃憦Quack馃憦
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts