Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
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Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.