I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
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My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.