DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
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I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
estão todos miauvindo?
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.