Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
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Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
This is I, Robot all over again
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
ready to be harvested
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again