Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
You Might Also Like
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth