You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
You Might Also Like
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
[eats all your cotton candy]
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.