People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
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I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
The struggle is real
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.