@Brianhopecomedy: Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, "NA NA, you couldn't stop me!" so he also received his first cross-check.
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@TitansHomer: Failed biology because apparently the answer to "what is commonly found in cells?" Isn't "Blacks and Mexicans"
@carlyken: [lawyer whispers to plaintiff] two can play this game "Your honor. Upsexy." Judge: what's upsexy? "that's harassment. move to change venues"
@ProdigyNelson: [aquarium] Me: "That's a lot of octopussies to occupy a tank." Guide: "it's octopi." Me: "Oh..that's a lot of octopussies to octopi a tank."
@MrGeorgeWallace: Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It'd be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. "We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!"