@patnelke: Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I'm done, he's natural selections problem now.
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@lloydrang: Will I. Am's headstone will read "Will I. Was," completing history's longest set-up to a punchline
@the_mom_dot_com: My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.
@longwall26: Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you're murdered your chalk outline won't just be the same old boring shit.
@max_pad21: Patient: "How much longer do I have doc? Doctor: "Ten." Patient: "Ten what?" Doctor: "Nine..."