My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
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I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
A drum solo but on your face.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.