@patnelke: Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I'm done, he's natural selections problem now.
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@senderblock23: [someone reading a beautiful poem in german] ME: i have never been more frightened
@thepunningman: [two women sunbathing in garden] "It's so nice out here" "Where's that creepy guy who lives next door?" HEDGE "He's away for the weekend"
@TheDailySchmuck: People have underestimated me my entire life, and they've been wrong on like two of those days.
@patrickmarkryan: You're not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person's name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook