Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
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Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Cndnsd Mlk
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Erm I’m gonna say no
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.