“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
You Might Also Like
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I hate when that happens.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?