Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
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Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I feel this so hard
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.