Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring