I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
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Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.