“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
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*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable