@rickygervais: "Let there be me." God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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@DanMentos: *notices my tinder match has "catholic" in their bio* me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Make her the center of attention ME: Okay [later at restaurant] ME: *throws food at next table* ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
@AcerbicSuburban: Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.