@rickygervais: "Let there be me." God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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@man_in_radiator: My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: "I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound" I thought fatly.
@heatherlou_: I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we're both laying in the floor looking at my phone.