@rickygervais: "Let there be me." God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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@Brianhopecomedy: When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it's Santa Claus!" so I don't have to get up.
@kingsleyyy: Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?
@novicefather: [grocery store with 2yo] Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next? Me: a vasectomy
@shariv67: Tonight I'm going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I'll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.