“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Bro what is this
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I’m being attacked 😭
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.