“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no