“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
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Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees