“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
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Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?