let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
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I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Growing out my freckles.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.