Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
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Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
do u think theres a butter planet?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
🙂🙃🥹
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.