@inmynewskin: Let your girlfriend know how much you love her by screeching loudly like a pterodactyl whenever she talks.
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@UncleDuke1969: Billy: Hi! What's your name? Johnny: Johnny. B: Hey, what's THAT? J: An iPhone 4. Mom: Who's your new friend, Billy? B: Johnny. He's poor.
@AbbyHasIssues: The good news is it wasn't a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.