(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
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General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
LMAO.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
The struggle is real.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.