@CantWaitToNap: "Lethal Weapon" is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
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@ClickBaite: Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water ... *Hauntingly second guesses every drink she's ever mixed for me now
@brianbowman73: I heard you like bad boys? *jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour* Sup.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall. 4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
@MUMSIEesq: My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I've got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.