“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are