Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
You Might Also Like
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
bro what is going on at twitter
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there