“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle