Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
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Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi