Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
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ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.