Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
i can’t wait that long
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.