“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
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People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive