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Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
lost dog
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Welcome to the stomach
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.