@matt_obrien: Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"
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@funnyordie: BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker? RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn't know him. He goes to another Olympics. #LochteGate
@WilliamAder: I'm forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
@junejuly12: Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
@SadieSmithRoks: A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.