Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
You Might Also Like
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
eating my hot dog hamburger style
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house