Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.